So when you get ready for the birth of your baby there does not tend to be a trend to also get ready for the birth of a mother, a father and a family. So many new roles are created and this is a HUGE adjustment for everyone.
We culturally tend to disregard the adjustment to family and the impact that this has on couples.
As a couples therapist who works with couples through pregnancy, postpartum and parenting and as a mom of four and a wife of 10 years I know that this subject area is so very important and cannot be ignored. Relationships are made or broken through this period of adjustment.
Honestly, you can go through your marriage believing that you have so much in common. That you can face anything together and then you enter parenting and you start to notice all the differences and it is almost like for a season you feel you do not know your partner anymore. The fact is, you are getting to know each other in a much more intimate way. This can be unsettling and scary but I encourage you to press in and to not push away. You are a team, you are partners and you are in this together.
Baby takes over your lives. But, you have to make a conscious choice to make time and invest in connection together. Don’t let resentment just build and build and create a wall between you. Do not let abstinence just extend and extend beyond the first 6 weeks until it becomes a year. Work towards each other. It will not feel as natural it will feel like work but it will be worth it in the end. Another key component is that it has to be both of you that are putting in this work. It is on both of you.
Intimacy: you see me, you know me and you still choose me.
Karisa Haverkamp
First of all intimacy does not equal sex. There are many ways to be physically intimate that do not involve sex. Secondly there are many kinds of intimacy including physical, emotional and spiritual. Now I am going to share with you 4 tips to staying intimately connected through the postpartum period so keep reading.
1) Actively tell each other what you are feeling and what you need.
Communication is so important. Saying things like “I am really struggling with feeling alone in this,” or “I need more things done around the house while the baby needs me this much.” If it is deeply uncomfortable for you to voices your needs and feelings start really small. “I feel really tired, could you help me rest.” “I feel worried, could you hold me really tight for 10 seconds.”
The key is to be voicing what you are experiencing with I feel statements to your partner. This needs to be happening on both sides for both partners. When the other person voices something the listen reflecting back and then addressing the concern or thought brought up in a caring way. The goal is for you both to feel heard and understood. This is emotional connection.
2) Physical connection does not equal sex.
You can connect physically with your partner even if sex is the furthest things from happening. Thus your partner can feel physically connected and desired but there does not have to be penetration or sexual touching.
Again you both have to be on board with this setting parameters in advance that you are both comfortable with. I.e. no sexual touching, no sex, clothes on, etc. It is also really helpful to have a safe word in advance like (red or yellow from fifty shades of grey).
There are a few different things that you can do. One is to put on your favorite song and dance or sway together.
A second simple thing is to actually sit down for a meal together and to sit next to each other.
Or try holding each other really tight for up to 30 seconds.
Finally you can kiss in a non-sexual environment i.e. the kitchen.
3) Put away technology
Do you feel like there is a third and fourth person in your relationship? In other words your phones?
Now, not expecting a drastic change in the midst of your current upheaval but it is crucial that you take the first 10 minutes in the morning or the last 10 minutes of the day and actually look in each others eyes or just sit with each other and talk about your day with no technology.
With these 3 simple, easy to implement strategies you will be on the road to navigating this challenging season with greater connection, better communication and deeper intimacy.
If there are barriers to completing these things or underlying concerns reach out to a professional sooner than later.
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