3 simple ways to reignite connection

Connection with your partner can be an up and down ride. This takes many people by surprise. ALL couples experience a drifting apart at some point in their relationship, it is what you do when these times arise that truly matters. When drifting apart happens take active steps to reignite connection and watch your relationship thrive.

This drifting can happen for numerous reasons but one of the main catalysts is having children. No, this is not just a cliche, it is fact that partners start to feel more disconnected from each other once children are in the picture. Life becomes more complicated there is less time, less libido plus growing resentment and disagreements. So what now? It can start to feel irreparable. What are you going to do? Sexual intimacy hasn’t happened in a year, arguing and silent treatment is happening all to frequently and neither of you feels supported or understood.

So is it possible to reignite the connection, the spark if you will?

I am here to tell you yes!! I am going to share 3 ways to do this gleaned from my experience working with couples as a couples therapist but also from personal experience having four children in five years and rebuilding connection over and over with my partner.

These three steps are simple and easily applied to your relationship. Along with this I highly recommend seeking an excellent couples therapist to give an outside voice and some additional strategies. If your relationship is going through a challenging time please keep reading for these steps to deeper connection. There is hope.

1) Dance together

Surprised by this suggestion? I will let you know why dancing and how it helps with connection. First off it is important to understand that physical intimacy does not just = sex. Physical intimacy is hand holding, hugging, a kiss, curling up on the couch together and dancing. It is important for a couple to be connecting physically regularly without the pressure of sex. Because ultimately you both want to feel desired, physically connected with your partner and safe. Dancing together is a way of co-regulating emotionally and physiologically and of having positive physical connection without sex, rejection or pressure. Set parameters in advance that this is a time of physical connection with no sexual touching. Start to develop physical safety together and co-regulate at the same time and yes dancing is a perfect way to do this. You can even sign up for a dance class date night together or you can just stand in your kitchen and sway together. Being able to dance is not a requirement for this exercise.

2) Put your phones away for five minutes

Both people and no screens. So excellent for real connection. This is not a joke. The pattern can start to emerge that you are both exhausted and the few moments you have to crash you both spend mindlessly scrolling. I have been there. Set a time aside that works for your unique schedule. This can be first thing in the morning, last thing before bed or anywhere in between. This can start as once a week but ideally is one time a day. During this time, for 5 minutes, actually focus on your spouse. Tell them one thing you appreciate that they do/who they are and ask them one question (i.e. how did you sleep, what was the best part of your day, what was one challenge you faced today, etc.). Actually listen to what they say. For more on this do step number 3.

3) Practice reflective listening

So what is reflective listening? When we go into conversation with our partner we can often have our shields up and are in defensive mode. This automatically filters everything they say and do as an attack. What we need to practice is lowering our shields and listening to the words that our partner is saying without assuming it is an attack. Listen in such a way that you can give them a succinct and accurate summary back of what they communicated to you verbally. Do not let yourself get emotional through this process of listening. How do you do that? Breathe deeply, focus on the words your partner is saying and tell yourself internally “I am safe in this moment, it is not my fault, it is not personal.” What are they trying to tell you? Are they feeling loved, heard, understood and safe with you?

“Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it.”

Timothy Keller

If your relationship is at such a point that you do not feel that this process would be helpful and safe on your own without professional help please research couple therapists in your area. Reach out for support.

All the best with your relationship and hope this is helpful for you to start the journey towards each other and greater connection. These steps are possible for everyone even with children and work schedules and all the other demands and stressors of life. Try it!! You will not regret it.