4 simple steps to ask for help as a people pleaser.

If you are a people pleaser asking for help may feel like a lofty goal. But I am here to tell you with practice and small steps you will get there.

Have you always been the one everyone in your circle goes to for help, the one everybody counts on? You always say yes and you don’t want to let people down but you are starting to feel overwhelmed. Since you have had a child or two or three you just are not able to keep up with meeting everyone’s expectations and you have some horrible days where you snap at your kids, you cry and you yell at your husband. 

Well, if you can relate than this brief read is for you.  There are 4 simple steps you can take to start voicing your needs and asking for help. Don’t worry they are small steps.

Sometimes you ask for help subtly (i.e. leaving the dishes in the sink a little longer, etc.) and feel so disheartened when the other person does not notice.  It just goes against the grain to ask.  You want to make people’s lives easier not harder; you don’t want others to think less of you, you don’t want to be a burden and you don’t want to make someone else feel stressed.  

Well guess what?  Asking for help is a skill that needs to be practiced.  And practiced in incremental small baby steps at first, if it is new to you. As you practice asking for help gradually it will become easier, more natural and less anxiety provoking.

Asking for help is so challenging for most people but if you struggle with people pleasing or perfectionism it can be especially hard.  If you are a mom and a people pleaser or perfectionist then it is a double whammy, asking for help feels impossible. You think of all the reasons not to bother asking for help.

Well, here are four simple small steps (that won’t send your worrying through the roof) to start voicing what you need by asking for help.

Step 1:

So, you realize that you are burning out and you absolutely need some reinforcement from your partner.  That is why you are reading this. You have been noticing resentment creeping into you heart and mind towards your spouse.  First thing you will need to do is be honest with yourself.  You need help, everyone does. You were not meant to handle this alone.  You are not weak, you are not broken, you would not think less of someone else for needing assistance from time to time. 

Step 2:

Shift your focus on what it means to ask for help.  What would you say if your partner or someone else significant in your life asked you for help?  You would most likely help them. So often as humans we actually love to give help to others and offer support but fear or shame or guilt holds us back from asking for help for ourselves. Well guess what, all you people pleasers out there, did you know that when you ask for help you are actually doing the other person a favor?  What? You heard me. You are giving them the opportunity to feel needed. 

What are three things that you are believing that are keeping you from asking.  Be honest with yourself.  It could be mind reading, it could be feeling you “should be able to do it on your own,” etc. 

Step 3:

Next think of what you would like to ask for and how to word it.  You can write it down in a journal or not, up to you. What do you need?  What is one small thing that is particularly draining your cup that your spouse could easily assist with? Word it directly, clearly, concisely without expecting your partner to pick up on subtle clues.  The need may be: meal planning, laundry, sleep, cooking, needing a five-minute break, a shower, a hug, etc.  What do you need right now, taken off your to do list or added for your basic needs to be met, to make you feel a little less overwhelmed?

Step 4:

Next say it to your partner, I guarantee it will not feel half as scary as you make it in your mind. You can start with: “I am trying something new,  I am going to start asking you directly for help when I really need it instead of letting it build up into resentment and anger.”  Say, “I feel overwhelmed some days, it would really help if you could_________.”  Try it.  It should lead you to feeling less alone, less overwhelmed and more supported and connected in your relationship.

“I guarantee it will not feel half as scary as you make it in your mind”

Karisa, RP, MACP, PMH-C, www.blossomscounselling.com

If this is not something that you feel you can voice to your partner for whatever reason, because you don’t feel safe, heard, or understood then couples counselling may help you be able to voice your needs increase affection and lead to better communication for you and your partner. 

Happy Parenting Together.

Building great relationships leads to an amazing life.  Start making small steps towards positive change today.